Unholdmyhand.com

The ladies in my corner of the office seem to be struggling with the same problem as of late. Breaking things off. Doing the splitzky. It's just not as easy in our modern cyberstalker era to "just slip out the back jack or hop on the bus Gus". There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but how do you erase him from html-land? While out to drinks, Jaime and I were commiserating about how hard it can be to break things off. Both of us did the miserable extended month back and forth tango of breaking up with a long-term boyfriend. But it can be just as hard to "break up" with a guy you had three dates with, or even just coffee with. Crystal said she likes to move across the country and disappear from people's lives entirely. But how do you do that today? There are so many complications and bizarre new ties that bind. You may tell a guy you aren't interested, but do you still have to be facebook friends with him? Instant messenger friends? Myspace friends? Blog stalkers? While social networking at first seemed like some strange hologram of life in which nothing that was said was real or to be taken seriously, but now it is just as real a way of communicating as any other. How many times do you find out an old friend is pregnant or engaged over facebook first? So, giggling hysterically over kettle tonics, we decided we would strike it big on the latest social networking behemoth. A website where you can break up with a guy over the internet. No more friend requests, people. These are break up-I never want to see you again requests. "Lindsay would like to never ever go on a date or see your face or name again in any capacity. Would you like to accept?"
And the best thing about our site would be its links to every other social network. As soon as the request is sent, not only are all your connections broken on facebook and IM etc, but all your connections to their friends and sibling are also erased. Because let's face it, how awkward is it to have your ex's older sister looking at pictures of you flirting with some new guy, but how rude is it to "defriend them?" We may be talking about facebook here, but let's face it, ettiquette keeps pace with the times, even if grammar doesn't ("friending" someone? What happened to BEFRIENDING?) . Not only that, but all the years of pictures would be automatically deleted. No longer would you be on date with a guy that uncomfortably commented on that picture of you kissing your ex in the South of France two years ago and how that made him feel. (Because apparently today it is ACTUALLY acceptable to admit to cyber-stalking on a second date?!!???!!!)

One of our more married coworkers Mike suggested the site have a manual of how to break up with someone at each stage of a developing relationship. "Ah yes, perfect!" Jaime declared. "There will be a different method depending on exactly how much skin you have seen."

Just you wait. Unholdmyhand.com. It's coming....

Where the hell did 2008 go???

I like to panic in the middle of the night. If I ever tried to be a slacker during the day my subconscious would get the best of me and kick my ass during my dreams. I woke up in a (sweaty) panic last night about my impending one-year anniversary of living in San Francisco. I usually mark years by the school year and I usually go through a mental list of everything that I’ve accomplished or how I’ve changed. This list usually feels inspiring, more-than sufficient and surprising. But this year I can’t really say that I’ve made any great leaps and bounds in character or accomplishment. I didn’t have brain surgery this year, kayak the outskirts of Vancouver Island, learn to surf in Hawaii, or travel alone in Greece. This scares me because a year used to be a really long time and now it’s not really anything at all. Is this what getting older feels like? Is that how people end up not fulfilling their dreams? Will I be in the same place in three years and wonder how I ended up being 26 when I’m “fresh out of college” (as I feel now)?!
Am I being-gasp-complacent????

I was reading a really wonderful and hilarious blog for work (yes I love my job, (I just spent 8 hours reading blogs to scour them for inappropriate content-long story) yes reading blogs is an actual part of my job. And I think I have a blog idol, which is weird and fantastic.
-Getting off the subject: In this wonderful blog, the woman wrote a list of all the things that she’d done in the last year. A lot of them were a lot small and simpler, but meaninful. So here is my list.
In 2008, I:

Decided I needed a change, quit my job, my gym, my friends and my lease and left Seattle one month after the initial idea.
Moved to San Francisco wearing flowers in my hair
Lived with a boyfriend for the first time
Lived with a potential serial killer for the first time (not same as above)
Moved three times and found a studio that is finally home.
Found the strength to leave a two year relationship that was not serving me.
Remembered how to have a resilient spirit
Learned to start my own life in a big new city
Traded in my car, kayak and mountain bike for heels, skinny jeans and cocktails, because-um, I'm a chameleon... Different skin, same innards.
Remembered how to laugh at everything again
Found a job I love
Learned to navigate the world of corporate office politics
Started writing again in earnest
Fed wild baby seals crushed up herring and pills at the Marine Mammal Center in the wee hours of the night and morning.
Voice-over acted in some TV commercials
Had my first written work published in a magazine (even if it was just on athletes getting pedicures, when I secretly think pedicures are superfluously silly)
Made some great friends
Learned to appreciate the beauty and excitement of city life
Let go of my expectations of “adult life” and other people in it


Ehhh no nevermind, this list still doesn’t seem nearly sufficient. I did nine thousand times more in 2005 and 2006, and even 2007 for that matter. Shit. But I can say that I’m happier than I’ve been since I left Boulder in August 2007. And that’s new as of December. So that’s a big one.

Date from hell=Hilarious Night

My date last night was so funny my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard, but it was also horrible. I sort of felt like the guy was straight out of a short story, so I think it's worth sharing. S asked me on our third date via text while I was at work on Friday. It said, "Your (note the wrong use of you're) coming to dinner with me tonight. Cool?" I found that a bit demanding and told him I already had four dates and he would have to ask me in advance next time. I truly did have plans to go to Zack's surprise going away party. His friends are my brothers college friends and really fun and nice and I was looking forward to it. I gchat to Zack on a daily basis and might be somewhat lost when he leaves for South America. But S persisted. I told him I could go but had to be done by 9:30 to go to my party. I didn't hear from him again by the time I got home at 5:30 so I texted and asked what time we were having dinner and whether I had time for a run. His only reply was "Yes". So I went on a nice run, showered, got dressed....redressed.....curled my hair in ringlets....put on makeup.....read....changed back into comfortable clothes....fantasized about having a date with the 41 year old man....and still no S. He finally called at 7:40 when I was starting to make my own dinner. He told me he didn't know why I hadn't called; he was waiting for me to go on a run and get ready. I was sort of pissed off and told him I didn't have time for dinner but he demanded I meet him and thought it was adorable that we were "having our first fight". I went to meet him at the given location only to walk into what at first seemed to be a swanky bar/ restaurant called "Mr." All the hostesses and bartenders were gorgeous and seemed to know S very well. He introduced me to everyone in the place including his boss and coworkers who seemed to have already heard a lot about me. The odd thing about this very nice bar was that it had sinks in the back...and mirrors and stools. Turns out it is the exclusive men's hair club that S belongs to. While everyone who works there is female, you can only get your hair cut and head massaged if you are male. Apparently you usually do this with a fancy beer in your hand and lots of beautiful women drinking wine and giggling. Umm and the haircuts are $80. For Men. I quickly felt like I was there to be sized up by everyone because pretty soon girls were telling me I was cute and Sheldon was saying "this is the girl". When we finally decided to go to dinner we just so happened to go with S's boss, his boss's girlfriend and another female coworker. The little restaurant we went to had 40 dollar entrees and before I knew it we had ordered oysters and three bottles of their best wine. Two hours later we still hadn't had the main course. S insisted we split a dish and he wanted red meat, so when I insisted on salmon I told him I'd pay. As you may know, I do not eat red meat unless it's been charred through and through. S was quite exasperated and thought I was being high maintenance. His coworkers were wonderful; very insightful and fun and sweet and talked about sailing and travelling and solar energy. Meanwhile S was getting drunker and drunker and saying I was too good for him. They were trying to win points for him and telling me that if I dated S I could come sailing with them, that he was incredibly good and smart as his job and really liked me etc.
Eventually S was making us have a toast every five minutes and was literally shouting at the top of his lungs "Obama!" At first it was magical because the whole restaurant joined in and we had everyone shouting "Obama". The second and third time were embarrassing and sort of like chalk on a chalk board. The waiter was getting lots of complaints and kept telling S to keep it down, to which he was a total smart ass. When our salmon finally came I was eating slowly, savoring all $40 of my half when Sheldon told me how unattractive it was when girls ate a lot. What if he wanted to marry me and didn't want me to be fat in 25 years? I let him have it as much as I could in front of others, but couldn't really enjoy the food with him making me feel like a pig. We left half the plate untouched between the two of us and I could have eaten three plates to myself. I never eat out because it's expensive, but when I do I am fine paying for half or all if I've been dating someone a while. But this was a date he insisted upon and it was a restaurant that is way out of my budget so I wasn't looking forward to the bill. I also hate it when people order tons of bottles of wine and appetizers and then want to split it evenly when they are in their forties and investment bankers and i'm not so much. Now I know for a fact that S makes upwards of 120,000 dollars because my old coworker at my dad's firm Meagan saw his signing contract and that is the same number he gave me later. When the bill finally came I threw my card in and S made no move to put his in as well. His boss asked me if I was paying for S too and I gave him a scared look. His boss told S he HAD to throw his credit card in. For a while he couldn't find his card and claimed to have lost his wallet. Thank god he finally found it because my part alone was $70 dollars. And I ate a third of a piece of salmon on a date he insisted upon. Now let me tell you $70 is a lot of money to me. That's about how much I spend on food every week. That's what I am saving up as a special treat to buy a plane ticket to Seattle. That's a LOT of freaking money to me.
At this point S was pulling me in towards him every five seconds and telling me he love love loved me and that it wasn't fair, he didn't want to like me so much. By the time we got outside the clinginess was getting really obnoxious but he was getting worse. He was yelling at himself to stop liking me and telling me he never takes girls on dates and that he wasn't ready for me because he wants to marry me but isn't ready for marriage and wasn't good enough for me yet. This guy who was cool and sauve and funny the other night was turning into a sniveling baby saying, "I am sooo confused! Should I love you? I don't know what to do.I can't just date you. You are the marrying type, I have to marry you."
Itt was eleven and the other three were heading home. I thought about going to Zack's party and then decided it was too late and that I didn't exactly want to bring S along. He grabbed a cab without having any idea of where we should go even when I tried to demand that we walk. He tried to get the cabby to drive around so he could kiss me but I put a stop to that. When the cabby told us our fare, S wasn't quick to pull out his wallet. He was looking at me lazily and finally said, "well fine I guess I'll get this one" I told him I walk everywhere and if he insisted on taking a cab he had to pay. He didn't have any cash so we had to pay even more to have the cabby drive us to an ATM. S met a dude at the ATM he wanted to have a long conversation with, all the while the meter was running.
We went into a busy bar that was playing loud hip-hop type music. S walked into the center of the bar, in between the tables that everyone was sitting at and just started dancing by himself, doing fancy footwork and drawing the attention of everyone seated. He tried to drag me into it and I had trouble escaping, but finally managed to. Now let me just give you a picture of S dancing. The guy admitted to having modeled for gay magazines on numerous occasions. He is incapable of growing facial hair and has a complete baby face. His hair is very blond and gelled and styled. He's very good looking with blue eyes and adorable features. He's 6 feet 2, slim and was wearing his black work suit with a pink shirt underneath. In other words he looks 100% gay. Later in the night people were finally dancing and they started playing some girl empowerment song by Kelly Clarkson. Somehow S ended up doing the can-can with his arms strung around five girls, and got them to do it too, while they all-including him-where shouting the lyrics about not getting hurt again etc. S thinks these situations just "happen" to him but I witnessed first hand that he initiates them. He also tried to dance on the tables with me next to a bunch of girls and was immediately told that only girls are allowed to dance on the table.
When I told him I wanted to go he held my hand and spun in circles around my hand through a packed crowd the entire long length of the bar. I thought I was going to kill him, but was also laughing hysterically out of embarrassment when we encountered a girl who was wearing so much makeup she looked like a clown, and was wearing one of those strapped on cartons of things to buy. S plucked a fake rose that was glowing and could be turned to blink different colors and told her he was going to buy it for me. The girl offered him a real rose but he insisted on the tacky fake one. I tried to dissuade him but he paid $10 for the thing and thought it was the sweetest thing he'd ever done. He was so pleased with himself he was hugging me and chuckling and kissing me on the cheek and telling me he'd never treated a girl so well and I must be in love with him. He also bought a cigarette and was now dancing by the door with the cigarrete dangling from his mouth. I tried to steal it, so he sucked it into his mouth where it disappeared. he continued dancing with a vile look on his face, then eventually spit the battered cigarette into his hand. It looked chewed.
When we finally left he insisted on taking a black sedan car with a leather interior instead of a cab, or walking. (we were only about 10 blocks from either of our places) In the car he kept asking me if he should like me this much and saying that he liked me too much and it scared him and he wasn't ready to fall in love. You are allowed to think these things but you are NOT allowed to say them on the third date. I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious and didn't want to date anyone exlusively, to which he responded with a lot of whining and sniveling. He asked me to go to Tiberon (a ferry ride across the bay) the next day, to which I declined. Apparently he forgot that I declined because he called me the next morning at 8 AM, a mere 6 hours after he dropped me off. That is also NOT allowed. He called me from Tiberon later and I could here a huge ruckus of people. It was 2 pm and he was already "partying and drinking" and he didn't know exactly how he ended up where he did, didn't understand why I hadn't come and wants to "take me out tonight" . I said no to that too. It's too bad because as I sat doing my thing- walking on the beach by myself on a beautiful sunny Saturday I thought it would be fun to take a ferry to Tiberon and meet lots of people. He does have a fun life, but it certainly is not the life for me.

A poem and a song

A poem because I stopped writing poetry and am worried I am not good at it now. So I'm starting again and one of my new years resolutions is to not be so reclusive about my writing...

Possibilities

Every action
Is less a burden
in the bright light of
new possibilities

A river bends-and
I swam two years
confined to banks that
don't flow out to sea.

When I broke free
in the delta
saw the way the
horizon arced away from me
I shed the burden of fear
at seeing that finite line
at the end of my present path

Even in the city-
of church spires and towers
My sky opened into unknown
And I fell in love
with my life
myself
your laugh
his kiss
and this city

Sucking boundless air
I dance always now
until the lights of our famous bridge
lose their contrast to the night
and soft sunrise colors
wild hair, sore limbs
and freedom
start the day

The other night I put a song on repeat literally from 3 am to noon the next day. Then I loaded it onto my ipod and have been playing it on repeat at work, after work and while I get ready in the morning. I'm not sure it's healthy and it's not something I've ever done before. But you all MUST listen to it. And I must provide the lyrics because they are lovely and I'd like to know what exactly you think they mean. It's clearly a love song but there are some strong mixed feelings in there, such as "this mess I'm buying" and "it's raining down with love and hate". Let me know what you think.
Hustle Bustle
And so much muscle
Our cells about to separate
Now I find it hard to concentrate
And temporary, this cash and carry
I’m stepping up to indicate
The time has come to deviate and

Death defying, this mess I’m buying
It’s raining down with love and hate
Now I find it hard to motivate
And estuary is blessed but scary
Our hearts about to palpitate
And I’m not about to hesitate

And want to treasure the rest of your days here
And give you pleasure in so many ways, dear
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found…
Here we go.

Do you want me to show up for duty?
And serve this woman and honor her beauty?
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found... yourself
With me...
Will you... agree... to take this man... into your world..
And now... we are as one...

My lone ranger,
The heat exchanger
Is living in this figure 8
Now I’ll do my best to recreate.
And Sweet precision.
And soft collision
Our hearts about to palpitate
Now I find it hard to separate.

And all I want is for you to be happy
And take this woman and make you my family
And finally you have found someone perfect
And finally you have found

All I want is for you to be happy
And take this woman and make you my family
And finally you have found someone perfect
And finally you have found…
Yourself.

Antics

Today was absolutely glorious and made me fall madly in love with San Francisco. I found a tiny little grocery store right near my house as well as a quiant and romantic restaurant and other little neighborhood treats that I didn't know about. The restaurant I discovered while eating dinner at it with Sheldon. The grocery store as I bumbled around outside in the morning hungry as a bear-too hungry in fact to make myself presentable before bumbling around. I was so hungry I bought 50 dollars of groceries right then and there and took off my heels to walk barefoot and messy-haired down the street with my glorious makeup all smudged under my eyes. What a beauty I was. As I walked from the grocery store I could see the Transamerica building glittering in the sunlight and knew it would be a beautiful day. So I went to Washington Square Park, checking out all the happy couple's food as they sat at the tiny round tables in little Italy. Sipping the best mocha Little Italy had to offer, I spread out in the grass for some people watching. Saint Peter and Paul Church was glittering white in the sun, oh so lovely with it's tall spires and the bright blue sun peaking out from behind it. Everyone was in shorts and tank tops, playing with footballs and soccer balls. A dopey yellow lab puppy was bumbling and prancing around, loving his furry little life. It felt like spring. I went to a different park later where there was an art show. I talked to an oil painting artist for a while about his technique. The day before I ran through North Beach to Fisherman's Warf and then up to the marina where I had a clear view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the chiseled hills of the North Bay behind it.
Last night I went out with "S" (I don't know to bloggers protect people's identity and not use their name?) who interned with me at my dad's firm two summers ago. He's insane in a good way, such a goofy sweet party boy. After going to dinner and then telling perverted jokes with his housemates and playing high school style drinking games (why god was I not born a boy?) we went out dancing in the Marina. The place was probably the fanciest place I've been in San Francisco, it was certainly a club scene more like Europe than what I've seen. I am pretty sure we went somewhere fun before that but I sort of forget. I was falling asleep in the cab so I was given about four red bull vodkas that tasted like candy and went down like candy too. My legs were so sore I needed a dance break. When I came out of the club there were those metal bars that direct you where to go. Apparently I didn't see the opening because I decided to hurtle over the bars. I didn't realize I was low on bodily control and sort of just rolled/fell over it like a sac of potatoes with my stupid high heels in the air. There were a bunch of people watching that had a hearty laugh about it. I slumped merrily into the alleyway for a breather and S and I talked for a long time before he asked me if he could kiss me. I was in no capacity to say no and was also positively inclined to say yes. Who kisses in the alley? Sketch balls that's who. Ohhh being single in the city.

Old Men Break my Heart

Trying to recover from my one month (to the day) infatuation with someone twice my age. Mid-dinner date-when my cheeks were hurting because I was laughing so hard-I decided that he was absolutely perfect and too good to be true. This was, of course, before I knew that he was almost 42.
I'd really like to know what my problem is with older men -suggestions welcome. I am certainly not very mature. I have the humor of a five year old, I've got life as figured out as a seventeen year old and I've got the temper of a three year old. And yet the people I meet that I could really fall in love with happen to be old old old. Where are all the hilarious 26 year olds?
I swear this guy is the funniest, sweetest, happiest guy I've ever met. When he decided we shouldn't date last night he said he didn't want me to be spoon feeding him when I'm only fifty. I want to plead, COME ON I'll spoon feed you in thirty years if you still make me laugh! Also wanted to ask him why he asked me out in the first place if 19 years age difference is an issue for him, and why he continued to call me for three weeks and when exactly he decided he couldn't do this thing between us. And of course he's all the more perfect for having an issue with the age difference, because if he didn't he'd be a creep.
Ah, trying to let go of the giddy bundle of hope that has been building up in me over the past three weeks that we were in different states and I was looking forward to getting to know him.
My coworker Jaime said I need to just live my life. That got me to thinking...what is living my life these days exactly? Well at night I actually yell and swear at my radiator because it sounds as if one hundred pieces of metal are clanging around and having an angry fiesta. Another coworker suggested I pour tequila in there and get those pieces of metal drunk so that they pass out and leave me alone. Haven't tried it yet. So after having a one way yelling match I wake up grouchy and go to work and smile hopelessly whenever I hear the old man laughing and think of a million reasons to walk around so I can talk to him. Then I come home and think about wanting a more stimulating meaningful job, wanting more friends, wishing I had internet so I could entertain myself, or a car so I could volunteer or go hiking or kayaking. I was thinking of all the things (not material, just general) I don't have in my life last night and decided popcorn would make me feel better and when I realized that I don't have a microwave I started crying. Pathetic really.
I'm going to go to a conditioning pre-try out soccer practice now for a women's league. Trying to be more proactive about life...