Date from hell=Hilarious Night

My date last night was so funny my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard, but it was also horrible. I sort of felt like the guy was straight out of a short story, so I think it's worth sharing. S asked me on our third date via text while I was at work on Friday. It said, "Your (note the wrong use of you're) coming to dinner with me tonight. Cool?" I found that a bit demanding and told him I already had four dates and he would have to ask me in advance next time. I truly did have plans to go to Zack's surprise going away party. His friends are my brothers college friends and really fun and nice and I was looking forward to it. I gchat to Zack on a daily basis and might be somewhat lost when he leaves for South America. But S persisted. I told him I could go but had to be done by 9:30 to go to my party. I didn't hear from him again by the time I got home at 5:30 so I texted and asked what time we were having dinner and whether I had time for a run. His only reply was "Yes". So I went on a nice run, showered, got dressed....redressed.....curled my hair in ringlets....put on makeup.....read....changed back into comfortable clothes....fantasized about having a date with the 41 year old man....and still no S. He finally called at 7:40 when I was starting to make my own dinner. He told me he didn't know why I hadn't called; he was waiting for me to go on a run and get ready. I was sort of pissed off and told him I didn't have time for dinner but he demanded I meet him and thought it was adorable that we were "having our first fight". I went to meet him at the given location only to walk into what at first seemed to be a swanky bar/ restaurant called "Mr." All the hostesses and bartenders were gorgeous and seemed to know S very well. He introduced me to everyone in the place including his boss and coworkers who seemed to have already heard a lot about me. The odd thing about this very nice bar was that it had sinks in the back...and mirrors and stools. Turns out it is the exclusive men's hair club that S belongs to. While everyone who works there is female, you can only get your hair cut and head massaged if you are male. Apparently you usually do this with a fancy beer in your hand and lots of beautiful women drinking wine and giggling. Umm and the haircuts are $80. For Men. I quickly felt like I was there to be sized up by everyone because pretty soon girls were telling me I was cute and Sheldon was saying "this is the girl". When we finally decided to go to dinner we just so happened to go with S's boss, his boss's girlfriend and another female coworker. The little restaurant we went to had 40 dollar entrees and before I knew it we had ordered oysters and three bottles of their best wine. Two hours later we still hadn't had the main course. S insisted we split a dish and he wanted red meat, so when I insisted on salmon I told him I'd pay. As you may know, I do not eat red meat unless it's been charred through and through. S was quite exasperated and thought I was being high maintenance. His coworkers were wonderful; very insightful and fun and sweet and talked about sailing and travelling and solar energy. Meanwhile S was getting drunker and drunker and saying I was too good for him. They were trying to win points for him and telling me that if I dated S I could come sailing with them, that he was incredibly good and smart as his job and really liked me etc.
Eventually S was making us have a toast every five minutes and was literally shouting at the top of his lungs "Obama!" At first it was magical because the whole restaurant joined in and we had everyone shouting "Obama". The second and third time were embarrassing and sort of like chalk on a chalk board. The waiter was getting lots of complaints and kept telling S to keep it down, to which he was a total smart ass. When our salmon finally came I was eating slowly, savoring all $40 of my half when Sheldon told me how unattractive it was when girls ate a lot. What if he wanted to marry me and didn't want me to be fat in 25 years? I let him have it as much as I could in front of others, but couldn't really enjoy the food with him making me feel like a pig. We left half the plate untouched between the two of us and I could have eaten three plates to myself. I never eat out because it's expensive, but when I do I am fine paying for half or all if I've been dating someone a while. But this was a date he insisted upon and it was a restaurant that is way out of my budget so I wasn't looking forward to the bill. I also hate it when people order tons of bottles of wine and appetizers and then want to split it evenly when they are in their forties and investment bankers and i'm not so much. Now I know for a fact that S makes upwards of 120,000 dollars because my old coworker at my dad's firm Meagan saw his signing contract and that is the same number he gave me later. When the bill finally came I threw my card in and S made no move to put his in as well. His boss asked me if I was paying for S too and I gave him a scared look. His boss told S he HAD to throw his credit card in. For a while he couldn't find his card and claimed to have lost his wallet. Thank god he finally found it because my part alone was $70 dollars. And I ate a third of a piece of salmon on a date he insisted upon. Now let me tell you $70 is a lot of money to me. That's about how much I spend on food every week. That's what I am saving up as a special treat to buy a plane ticket to Seattle. That's a LOT of freaking money to me.
At this point S was pulling me in towards him every five seconds and telling me he love love loved me and that it wasn't fair, he didn't want to like me so much. By the time we got outside the clinginess was getting really obnoxious but he was getting worse. He was yelling at himself to stop liking me and telling me he never takes girls on dates and that he wasn't ready for me because he wants to marry me but isn't ready for marriage and wasn't good enough for me yet. This guy who was cool and sauve and funny the other night was turning into a sniveling baby saying, "I am sooo confused! Should I love you? I don't know what to do.I can't just date you. You are the marrying type, I have to marry you."
Itt was eleven and the other three were heading home. I thought about going to Zack's party and then decided it was too late and that I didn't exactly want to bring S along. He grabbed a cab without having any idea of where we should go even when I tried to demand that we walk. He tried to get the cabby to drive around so he could kiss me but I put a stop to that. When the cabby told us our fare, S wasn't quick to pull out his wallet. He was looking at me lazily and finally said, "well fine I guess I'll get this one" I told him I walk everywhere and if he insisted on taking a cab he had to pay. He didn't have any cash so we had to pay even more to have the cabby drive us to an ATM. S met a dude at the ATM he wanted to have a long conversation with, all the while the meter was running.
We went into a busy bar that was playing loud hip-hop type music. S walked into the center of the bar, in between the tables that everyone was sitting at and just started dancing by himself, doing fancy footwork and drawing the attention of everyone seated. He tried to drag me into it and I had trouble escaping, but finally managed to. Now let me just give you a picture of S dancing. The guy admitted to having modeled for gay magazines on numerous occasions. He is incapable of growing facial hair and has a complete baby face. His hair is very blond and gelled and styled. He's very good looking with blue eyes and adorable features. He's 6 feet 2, slim and was wearing his black work suit with a pink shirt underneath. In other words he looks 100% gay. Later in the night people were finally dancing and they started playing some girl empowerment song by Kelly Clarkson. Somehow S ended up doing the can-can with his arms strung around five girls, and got them to do it too, while they all-including him-where shouting the lyrics about not getting hurt again etc. S thinks these situations just "happen" to him but I witnessed first hand that he initiates them. He also tried to dance on the tables with me next to a bunch of girls and was immediately told that only girls are allowed to dance on the table.
When I told him I wanted to go he held my hand and spun in circles around my hand through a packed crowd the entire long length of the bar. I thought I was going to kill him, but was also laughing hysterically out of embarrassment when we encountered a girl who was wearing so much makeup she looked like a clown, and was wearing one of those strapped on cartons of things to buy. S plucked a fake rose that was glowing and could be turned to blink different colors and told her he was going to buy it for me. The girl offered him a real rose but he insisted on the tacky fake one. I tried to dissuade him but he paid $10 for the thing and thought it was the sweetest thing he'd ever done. He was so pleased with himself he was hugging me and chuckling and kissing me on the cheek and telling me he'd never treated a girl so well and I must be in love with him. He also bought a cigarette and was now dancing by the door with the cigarrete dangling from his mouth. I tried to steal it, so he sucked it into his mouth where it disappeared. he continued dancing with a vile look on his face, then eventually spit the battered cigarette into his hand. It looked chewed.
When we finally left he insisted on taking a black sedan car with a leather interior instead of a cab, or walking. (we were only about 10 blocks from either of our places) In the car he kept asking me if he should like me this much and saying that he liked me too much and it scared him and he wasn't ready to fall in love. You are allowed to think these things but you are NOT allowed to say them on the third date. I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious and didn't want to date anyone exlusively, to which he responded with a lot of whining and sniveling. He asked me to go to Tiberon (a ferry ride across the bay) the next day, to which I declined. Apparently he forgot that I declined because he called me the next morning at 8 AM, a mere 6 hours after he dropped me off. That is also NOT allowed. He called me from Tiberon later and I could here a huge ruckus of people. It was 2 pm and he was already "partying and drinking" and he didn't know exactly how he ended up where he did, didn't understand why I hadn't come and wants to "take me out tonight" . I said no to that too. It's too bad because as I sat doing my thing- walking on the beach by myself on a beautiful sunny Saturday I thought it would be fun to take a ferry to Tiberon and meet lots of people. He does have a fun life, but it certainly is not the life for me.