Unholdmyhand.com

The ladies in my corner of the office seem to be struggling with the same problem as of late. Breaking things off. Doing the splitzky. It's just not as easy in our modern cyberstalker era to "just slip out the back jack or hop on the bus Gus". There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but how do you erase him from html-land? While out to drinks, Jaime and I were commiserating about how hard it can be to break things off. Both of us did the miserable extended month back and forth tango of breaking up with a long-term boyfriend. But it can be just as hard to "break up" with a guy you had three dates with, or even just coffee with. Crystal said she likes to move across the country and disappear from people's lives entirely. But how do you do that today? There are so many complications and bizarre new ties that bind. You may tell a guy you aren't interested, but do you still have to be facebook friends with him? Instant messenger friends? Myspace friends? Blog stalkers? While social networking at first seemed like some strange hologram of life in which nothing that was said was real or to be taken seriously, but now it is just as real a way of communicating as any other. How many times do you find out an old friend is pregnant or engaged over facebook first? So, giggling hysterically over kettle tonics, we decided we would strike it big on the latest social networking behemoth. A website where you can break up with a guy over the internet. No more friend requests, people. These are break up-I never want to see you again requests. "Lindsay would like to never ever go on a date or see your face or name again in any capacity. Would you like to accept?"
And the best thing about our site would be its links to every other social network. As soon as the request is sent, not only are all your connections broken on facebook and IM etc, but all your connections to their friends and sibling are also erased. Because let's face it, how awkward is it to have your ex's older sister looking at pictures of you flirting with some new guy, but how rude is it to "defriend them?" We may be talking about facebook here, but let's face it, ettiquette keeps pace with the times, even if grammar doesn't ("friending" someone? What happened to BEFRIENDING?) . Not only that, but all the years of pictures would be automatically deleted. No longer would you be on date with a guy that uncomfortably commented on that picture of you kissing your ex in the South of France two years ago and how that made him feel. (Because apparently today it is ACTUALLY acceptable to admit to cyber-stalking on a second date?!!???!!!)

One of our more married coworkers Mike suggested the site have a manual of how to break up with someone at each stage of a developing relationship. "Ah yes, perfect!" Jaime declared. "There will be a different method depending on exactly how much skin you have seen."

Just you wait. Unholdmyhand.com. It's coming....