Date from hell=Hilarious Night

My date last night was so funny my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard, but it was also horrible. I sort of felt like the guy was straight out of a short story, so I think it's worth sharing. S asked me on our third date via text while I was at work on Friday. It said, "Your (note the wrong use of you're) coming to dinner with me tonight. Cool?" I found that a bit demanding and told him I already had four dates and he would have to ask me in advance next time. I truly did have plans to go to Zack's surprise going away party. His friends are my brothers college friends and really fun and nice and I was looking forward to it. I gchat to Zack on a daily basis and might be somewhat lost when he leaves for South America. But S persisted. I told him I could go but had to be done by 9:30 to go to my party. I didn't hear from him again by the time I got home at 5:30 so I texted and asked what time we were having dinner and whether I had time for a run. His only reply was "Yes". So I went on a nice run, showered, got dressed....redressed.....curled my hair in ringlets....put on makeup.....read....changed back into comfortable clothes....fantasized about having a date with the 41 year old man....and still no S. He finally called at 7:40 when I was starting to make my own dinner. He told me he didn't know why I hadn't called; he was waiting for me to go on a run and get ready. I was sort of pissed off and told him I didn't have time for dinner but he demanded I meet him and thought it was adorable that we were "having our first fight". I went to meet him at the given location only to walk into what at first seemed to be a swanky bar/ restaurant called "Mr." All the hostesses and bartenders were gorgeous and seemed to know S very well. He introduced me to everyone in the place including his boss and coworkers who seemed to have already heard a lot about me. The odd thing about this very nice bar was that it had sinks in the back...and mirrors and stools. Turns out it is the exclusive men's hair club that S belongs to. While everyone who works there is female, you can only get your hair cut and head massaged if you are male. Apparently you usually do this with a fancy beer in your hand and lots of beautiful women drinking wine and giggling. Umm and the haircuts are $80. For Men. I quickly felt like I was there to be sized up by everyone because pretty soon girls were telling me I was cute and Sheldon was saying "this is the girl". When we finally decided to go to dinner we just so happened to go with S's boss, his boss's girlfriend and another female coworker. The little restaurant we went to had 40 dollar entrees and before I knew it we had ordered oysters and three bottles of their best wine. Two hours later we still hadn't had the main course. S insisted we split a dish and he wanted red meat, so when I insisted on salmon I told him I'd pay. As you may know, I do not eat red meat unless it's been charred through and through. S was quite exasperated and thought I was being high maintenance. His coworkers were wonderful; very insightful and fun and sweet and talked about sailing and travelling and solar energy. Meanwhile S was getting drunker and drunker and saying I was too good for him. They were trying to win points for him and telling me that if I dated S I could come sailing with them, that he was incredibly good and smart as his job and really liked me etc.
Eventually S was making us have a toast every five minutes and was literally shouting at the top of his lungs "Obama!" At first it was magical because the whole restaurant joined in and we had everyone shouting "Obama". The second and third time were embarrassing and sort of like chalk on a chalk board. The waiter was getting lots of complaints and kept telling S to keep it down, to which he was a total smart ass. When our salmon finally came I was eating slowly, savoring all $40 of my half when Sheldon told me how unattractive it was when girls ate a lot. What if he wanted to marry me and didn't want me to be fat in 25 years? I let him have it as much as I could in front of others, but couldn't really enjoy the food with him making me feel like a pig. We left half the plate untouched between the two of us and I could have eaten three plates to myself. I never eat out because it's expensive, but when I do I am fine paying for half or all if I've been dating someone a while. But this was a date he insisted upon and it was a restaurant that is way out of my budget so I wasn't looking forward to the bill. I also hate it when people order tons of bottles of wine and appetizers and then want to split it evenly when they are in their forties and investment bankers and i'm not so much. Now I know for a fact that S makes upwards of 120,000 dollars because my old coworker at my dad's firm Meagan saw his signing contract and that is the same number he gave me later. When the bill finally came I threw my card in and S made no move to put his in as well. His boss asked me if I was paying for S too and I gave him a scared look. His boss told S he HAD to throw his credit card in. For a while he couldn't find his card and claimed to have lost his wallet. Thank god he finally found it because my part alone was $70 dollars. And I ate a third of a piece of salmon on a date he insisted upon. Now let me tell you $70 is a lot of money to me. That's about how much I spend on food every week. That's what I am saving up as a special treat to buy a plane ticket to Seattle. That's a LOT of freaking money to me.
At this point S was pulling me in towards him every five seconds and telling me he love love loved me and that it wasn't fair, he didn't want to like me so much. By the time we got outside the clinginess was getting really obnoxious but he was getting worse. He was yelling at himself to stop liking me and telling me he never takes girls on dates and that he wasn't ready for me because he wants to marry me but isn't ready for marriage and wasn't good enough for me yet. This guy who was cool and sauve and funny the other night was turning into a sniveling baby saying, "I am sooo confused! Should I love you? I don't know what to do.I can't just date you. You are the marrying type, I have to marry you."
Itt was eleven and the other three were heading home. I thought about going to Zack's party and then decided it was too late and that I didn't exactly want to bring S along. He grabbed a cab without having any idea of where we should go even when I tried to demand that we walk. He tried to get the cabby to drive around so he could kiss me but I put a stop to that. When the cabby told us our fare, S wasn't quick to pull out his wallet. He was looking at me lazily and finally said, "well fine I guess I'll get this one" I told him I walk everywhere and if he insisted on taking a cab he had to pay. He didn't have any cash so we had to pay even more to have the cabby drive us to an ATM. S met a dude at the ATM he wanted to have a long conversation with, all the while the meter was running.
We went into a busy bar that was playing loud hip-hop type music. S walked into the center of the bar, in between the tables that everyone was sitting at and just started dancing by himself, doing fancy footwork and drawing the attention of everyone seated. He tried to drag me into it and I had trouble escaping, but finally managed to. Now let me just give you a picture of S dancing. The guy admitted to having modeled for gay magazines on numerous occasions. He is incapable of growing facial hair and has a complete baby face. His hair is very blond and gelled and styled. He's very good looking with blue eyes and adorable features. He's 6 feet 2, slim and was wearing his black work suit with a pink shirt underneath. In other words he looks 100% gay. Later in the night people were finally dancing and they started playing some girl empowerment song by Kelly Clarkson. Somehow S ended up doing the can-can with his arms strung around five girls, and got them to do it too, while they all-including him-where shouting the lyrics about not getting hurt again etc. S thinks these situations just "happen" to him but I witnessed first hand that he initiates them. He also tried to dance on the tables with me next to a bunch of girls and was immediately told that only girls are allowed to dance on the table.
When I told him I wanted to go he held my hand and spun in circles around my hand through a packed crowd the entire long length of the bar. I thought I was going to kill him, but was also laughing hysterically out of embarrassment when we encountered a girl who was wearing so much makeup she looked like a clown, and was wearing one of those strapped on cartons of things to buy. S plucked a fake rose that was glowing and could be turned to blink different colors and told her he was going to buy it for me. The girl offered him a real rose but he insisted on the tacky fake one. I tried to dissuade him but he paid $10 for the thing and thought it was the sweetest thing he'd ever done. He was so pleased with himself he was hugging me and chuckling and kissing me on the cheek and telling me he'd never treated a girl so well and I must be in love with him. He also bought a cigarette and was now dancing by the door with the cigarrete dangling from his mouth. I tried to steal it, so he sucked it into his mouth where it disappeared. he continued dancing with a vile look on his face, then eventually spit the battered cigarette into his hand. It looked chewed.
When we finally left he insisted on taking a black sedan car with a leather interior instead of a cab, or walking. (we were only about 10 blocks from either of our places) In the car he kept asking me if he should like me this much and saying that he liked me too much and it scared him and he wasn't ready to fall in love. You are allowed to think these things but you are NOT allowed to say them on the third date. I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious and didn't want to date anyone exlusively, to which he responded with a lot of whining and sniveling. He asked me to go to Tiberon (a ferry ride across the bay) the next day, to which I declined. Apparently he forgot that I declined because he called me the next morning at 8 AM, a mere 6 hours after he dropped me off. That is also NOT allowed. He called me from Tiberon later and I could here a huge ruckus of people. It was 2 pm and he was already "partying and drinking" and he didn't know exactly how he ended up where he did, didn't understand why I hadn't come and wants to "take me out tonight" . I said no to that too. It's too bad because as I sat doing my thing- walking on the beach by myself on a beautiful sunny Saturday I thought it would be fun to take a ferry to Tiberon and meet lots of people. He does have a fun life, but it certainly is not the life for me.

A poem and a song

A poem because I stopped writing poetry and am worried I am not good at it now. So I'm starting again and one of my new years resolutions is to not be so reclusive about my writing...

Possibilities

Every action
Is less a burden
in the bright light of
new possibilities

A river bends-and
I swam two years
confined to banks that
don't flow out to sea.

When I broke free
in the delta
saw the way the
horizon arced away from me
I shed the burden of fear
at seeing that finite line
at the end of my present path

Even in the city-
of church spires and towers
My sky opened into unknown
And I fell in love
with my life
myself
your laugh
his kiss
and this city

Sucking boundless air
I dance always now
until the lights of our famous bridge
lose their contrast to the night
and soft sunrise colors
wild hair, sore limbs
and freedom
start the day

The other night I put a song on repeat literally from 3 am to noon the next day. Then I loaded it onto my ipod and have been playing it on repeat at work, after work and while I get ready in the morning. I'm not sure it's healthy and it's not something I've ever done before. But you all MUST listen to it. And I must provide the lyrics because they are lovely and I'd like to know what exactly you think they mean. It's clearly a love song but there are some strong mixed feelings in there, such as "this mess I'm buying" and "it's raining down with love and hate". Let me know what you think.
Hustle Bustle
And so much muscle
Our cells about to separate
Now I find it hard to concentrate
And temporary, this cash and carry
I’m stepping up to indicate
The time has come to deviate and

Death defying, this mess I’m buying
It’s raining down with love and hate
Now I find it hard to motivate
And estuary is blessed but scary
Our hearts about to palpitate
And I’m not about to hesitate

And want to treasure the rest of your days here
And give you pleasure in so many ways, dear
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found…
Here we go.

Do you want me to show up for duty?
And serve this woman and honor her beauty?
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found... yourself
With me...
Will you... agree... to take this man... into your world..
And now... we are as one...

My lone ranger,
The heat exchanger
Is living in this figure 8
Now I’ll do my best to recreate.
And Sweet precision.
And soft collision
Our hearts about to palpitate
Now I find it hard to separate.

And all I want is for you to be happy
And take this woman and make you my family
And finally you have found someone perfect
And finally you have found

All I want is for you to be happy
And take this woman and make you my family
And finally you have found someone perfect
And finally you have found…
Yourself.

Antics

Today was absolutely glorious and made me fall madly in love with San Francisco. I found a tiny little grocery store right near my house as well as a quiant and romantic restaurant and other little neighborhood treats that I didn't know about. The restaurant I discovered while eating dinner at it with Sheldon. The grocery store as I bumbled around outside in the morning hungry as a bear-too hungry in fact to make myself presentable before bumbling around. I was so hungry I bought 50 dollars of groceries right then and there and took off my heels to walk barefoot and messy-haired down the street with my glorious makeup all smudged under my eyes. What a beauty I was. As I walked from the grocery store I could see the Transamerica building glittering in the sunlight and knew it would be a beautiful day. So I went to Washington Square Park, checking out all the happy couple's food as they sat at the tiny round tables in little Italy. Sipping the best mocha Little Italy had to offer, I spread out in the grass for some people watching. Saint Peter and Paul Church was glittering white in the sun, oh so lovely with it's tall spires and the bright blue sun peaking out from behind it. Everyone was in shorts and tank tops, playing with footballs and soccer balls. A dopey yellow lab puppy was bumbling and prancing around, loving his furry little life. It felt like spring. I went to a different park later where there was an art show. I talked to an oil painting artist for a while about his technique. The day before I ran through North Beach to Fisherman's Warf and then up to the marina where I had a clear view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the chiseled hills of the North Bay behind it.
Last night I went out with "S" (I don't know to bloggers protect people's identity and not use their name?) who interned with me at my dad's firm two summers ago. He's insane in a good way, such a goofy sweet party boy. After going to dinner and then telling perverted jokes with his housemates and playing high school style drinking games (why god was I not born a boy?) we went out dancing in the Marina. The place was probably the fanciest place I've been in San Francisco, it was certainly a club scene more like Europe than what I've seen. I am pretty sure we went somewhere fun before that but I sort of forget. I was falling asleep in the cab so I was given about four red bull vodkas that tasted like candy and went down like candy too. My legs were so sore I needed a dance break. When I came out of the club there were those metal bars that direct you where to go. Apparently I didn't see the opening because I decided to hurtle over the bars. I didn't realize I was low on bodily control and sort of just rolled/fell over it like a sac of potatoes with my stupid high heels in the air. There were a bunch of people watching that had a hearty laugh about it. I slumped merrily into the alleyway for a breather and S and I talked for a long time before he asked me if he could kiss me. I was in no capacity to say no and was also positively inclined to say yes. Who kisses in the alley? Sketch balls that's who. Ohhh being single in the city.

Old Men Break my Heart

Trying to recover from my one month (to the day) infatuation with someone twice my age. Mid-dinner date-when my cheeks were hurting because I was laughing so hard-I decided that he was absolutely perfect and too good to be true. This was, of course, before I knew that he was almost 42.
I'd really like to know what my problem is with older men -suggestions welcome. I am certainly not very mature. I have the humor of a five year old, I've got life as figured out as a seventeen year old and I've got the temper of a three year old. And yet the people I meet that I could really fall in love with happen to be old old old. Where are all the hilarious 26 year olds?
I swear this guy is the funniest, sweetest, happiest guy I've ever met. When he decided we shouldn't date last night he said he didn't want me to be spoon feeding him when I'm only fifty. I want to plead, COME ON I'll spoon feed you in thirty years if you still make me laugh! Also wanted to ask him why he asked me out in the first place if 19 years age difference is an issue for him, and why he continued to call me for three weeks and when exactly he decided he couldn't do this thing between us. And of course he's all the more perfect for having an issue with the age difference, because if he didn't he'd be a creep.
Ah, trying to let go of the giddy bundle of hope that has been building up in me over the past three weeks that we were in different states and I was looking forward to getting to know him.
My coworker Jaime said I need to just live my life. That got me to thinking...what is living my life these days exactly? Well at night I actually yell and swear at my radiator because it sounds as if one hundred pieces of metal are clanging around and having an angry fiesta. Another coworker suggested I pour tequila in there and get those pieces of metal drunk so that they pass out and leave me alone. Haven't tried it yet. So after having a one way yelling match I wake up grouchy and go to work and smile hopelessly whenever I hear the old man laughing and think of a million reasons to walk around so I can talk to him. Then I come home and think about wanting a more stimulating meaningful job, wanting more friends, wishing I had internet so I could entertain myself, or a car so I could volunteer or go hiking or kayaking. I was thinking of all the things (not material, just general) I don't have in my life last night and decided popcorn would make me feel better and when I realized that I don't have a microwave I started crying. Pathetic really.
I'm going to go to a conditioning pre-try out soccer practice now for a women's league. Trying to be more proactive about life...

Puppy Nell

Newest family member and Thanksgiving cheer

I went home to beautiful Colorado for Thanksgiving last weekend. To me there is something magical about the barren landscape of a Colorado winter. No where else is the sky such a bright blue in late November. The grasses have lost their summer green and instead roll in muted desert colors of wheat gold, chestnut brown and yellow. Upon close inspection many of the shrub brushes are purple or burnt Sienna red. The little lakes and ponds out on the open space freeze over in places, leaving jagged lines of ice across the water. Everything is so still you can sometimes see the reflection of the ponds in the mountain snow and rocks- or maybe I imagined that one day...The leafless trees are perfect for revealing hawks and golden eagles sitting regally on wispy branches, looking over their vast domain.
Nell my baby sister is even more delighted with her surroundings than I am. Nell is my parents new Springer Spaniel puppy-four months old and quite the little rapscallion. She is from the same breeder as my last dog Casey and is something like his great great niece. My aunt's dog Tobie (also related) was visiting for the holidays as well. There were three especially funny puppy moments last weekend.
Springers get their name because of their very athletic ability to spring through bushes and fields. They are trained to spring into bushes and scare all the birds out so that the hunters like Victoria can shoot them. Tobie has had years of springing experience and was bounding through the tall grasses with his usual vigor. Baby Nell-always keen to learn from her elders, just started learning to spring. The grasses were tall enough on her tiny body that most of the time we just saw two ears flying into the air as she bounded through the fields like a little jackalope. But sometimes she didn't get the spring just right. The ground rolls in little hillocks and ditches so the dogs were bounding from one high point to another. Occasionally Nell would be in air mid-bound and would suddenly disappear entirely, only to come scrambling out of some little depression she'd fallen in to. She seemed unperturbed when we laughed hysterically at her depth perception problems and just kept on springing, hoping not to fall into another ditch mid spring.
On another day I was sitting innocently on the couch reading my book when Nell came in the back door. What happened next was so fast I didn't see a second of it, even out of the corner of my eye. My dad said she ran full speed into the living room on the side I was sitting. Instead of coming straight toward me she looped around to the other side of the room, did a one point turn and leapt onto the other end of the couch. From here-still at top speed she leapt toward me like a torpedo and smacker her nose right into my nose. This all happened in about five seconds. I guess she thought she'd get more momentum going at me if she circled the room and leapt at me from across the couch. Painful.
The third cute moment happened outside when Tobie and I were playing fetch. Tobie loves tennis balls, like any other self-respecting dog. He was running happily towards me with his in his mouth, when Nell leapt into the air and knocked the ball straight out of his mouth with her schnoz. She then ducked under Tobie and caught the ball in mid air before it had dropped from his mouth. Needless to say, Nell's love for Tobie is not well reciprocated.
Another great part about Nell besides the fact that we named her after our cousin so have to differentiate between puppy Nell and human Nell is that we think she is the reincarnation of our last dog. She does uncannily Casey-like things all the time. She even looks and smells like him! hehe. But really, Casey decided his life was so good he was going to come back as Nell, which is just delightful!

I'm one of those annoying people who thinks Obama is the Messiah

Recently I have been plagued with an extreme case of voter mania. I spend my days at work scouring the internet for articles on the polls and on the race, study the map of polls for ages and panick when I read articles about voter fraud and people's doubts about whether Barack Obama will actually become president. I'll admit it, I get a little teary eyed with joy when I read the Economist who "wholeheartedly endorses Obama for president" and other such articles. In my spare time at work I've also created an OBAMA!!!! folder where I've downloaded the transcripts of all his speeches.

Then there is also the constant fear that for some reason I'm not going to be able to vote. I've gone on the check your voter status page about a dozen times to make sure they changed my address properly. But what if they bomb the voter building? I know horrid thought, I am insane. I don't know who "they" is but you know...
Also, recently lost my license...what if you need a valid driver's license to vote? Can I bring two expired licenses and a passport? This is all silly really, because Califronia is going to vote Obama with our without vote.
Recent accounts of voters in Ohio believing the scam that democrats vote on the 5th has prompted me to sign up for a phonebank party tomorrow. And yet, after all this mania, I'll probably miss the actual election results as I have no TV or internet. I'll be the bleary eyed person on Wednesday morning who asks, "so who is the new president?"