I like to panic in the middle of the night. If I ever tried to be a slacker during the day my subconscious would get the best of me and kick my ass during my dreams. I woke up in a (sweaty) panic last night about my impending one-year anniversary of living in San Francisco. I usually mark years by the school year and I usually go through a mental list of everything that I’ve accomplished or how I’ve changed. This list usually feels inspiring, more-than sufficient and surprising. But this year I can’t really say that I’ve made any great leaps and bounds in character or accomplishment. I didn’t have brain surgery this year, kayak the outskirts of Vancouver Island, learn to surf in Hawaii, or travel alone in Greece. This scares me because a year used to be a really long time and now it’s not really anything at all. Is this what getting older feels like? Is that how people end up not fulfilling their dreams? Will I be in the same place in three years and wonder how I ended up being 26 when I’m “fresh out of college” (as I feel now)?!
Am I being-gasp-complacent????
I was reading a really wonderful and hilarious blog for work (yes I love my job, (I just spent 8 hours reading blogs to scour them for inappropriate content-long story) yes reading blogs is an actual part of my job. And I think I have a blog idol, which is weird and fantastic.
-Getting off the subject: In this wonderful blog, the woman wrote a list of all the things that she’d done in the last year. A lot of them were a lot small and simpler, but meaninful. So here is my list.
In 2008, I:
Decided I needed a change, quit my job, my gym, my friends and my lease and left Seattle one month after the initial idea.
Moved to San Francisco wearing flowers in my hair
Lived with a boyfriend for the first time
Lived with a potential serial killer for the first time (not same as above)
Moved three times and found a studio that is finally home.
Found the strength to leave a two year relationship that was not serving me.
Remembered how to have a resilient spirit
Learned to start my own life in a big new city
Traded in my car, kayak and mountain bike for heels, skinny jeans and cocktails, because-um, I'm a chameleon... Different skin, same innards.
Remembered how to laugh at everything again
Found a job I love
Learned to navigate the world of corporate office politics
Started writing again in earnest
Fed wild baby seals crushed up herring and pills at the Marine Mammal Center in the wee hours of the night and morning.
Voice-over acted in some TV commercials
Had my first written work published in a magazine (even if it was just on athletes getting pedicures, when I secretly think pedicures are superfluously silly)
Made some great friends
Learned to appreciate the beauty and excitement of city life
Let go of my expectations of “adult life” and other people in it
Ehhh no nevermind, this list still doesn’t seem nearly sufficient. I did nine thousand times more in 2005 and 2006, and even 2007 for that matter. Shit. But I can say that I’m happier than I’ve been since I left Boulder in August 2007. And that’s new as of December. So that’s a big one.
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About Me
- Lindsay
- "This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? ... And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple "I must," then build your life in accordance with this necessity;... Then come close to Nature." -Ranier Maria Rilke in Letters to a Young Poet
4 comments:
Perspective: When I was 23, I was still living in your parents' basement wondering what the hell I should do with my life.
Don't worry. You're way ahead of the game. Enjoy the ride.
We loved having you in the basement! I wish someone would lend me a basement to figure out what to do with my life. Quarter life crisis continues!!
I was lucky to have that particular basement because I love your family. I don't have a basement, but if I did, you could live in it! Just think, if I would have hurried up and had kids by now, then you could have been my babysitter in the basement. :-)
I didn't know you had something published! That alone can make its own list. My office mate made a list of 30 new things she wanted to do the year she turned 30 and is doing the same thing at 31; I think you eventually hit a reality that you are getting older and realize that you have to do something about it. Guess that hasn't hit me yet because I am not doing too much with my life right now. Oops.
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